I have had the weirdest morning.

I woke up just before ten, hopped in my car, and headed off to Medway to DJ an engagement party at the VFW. Its fall, and fall rules, so the drive was awesome. Except for the fact that cars kept on zipping by me as if I was going 55. It was really odd, being as I was actually going a rather brisk 75, already ten miles over the speed limit. How fast do people drive? What the hell? Weird thing #1.

I reached exit 19 on route 495 and decided to stop by The Dollar Tree to get my Mom a ten dollar gift card for her birthday. If you’re presently thinking either of the following things, you’re wrong and I’ll tell you why: 1) You’re a shitty son because you only got your Mom a ten dollar gift card for her birthday ; or 2) You’re a shitty son because you got your mom a gift card to the fucking Dollar Tree for her birthday. The thing is, my mom loves the Dollar Tree, and I find it odd that there exist people who don’t, being as everything is a dollar. Christ. If that is what heaven is like, I’m going to start going to church and hating the gays, because I want in. Secondly, I didn’t get my mom a ten dollar gift card really – it’s more like I got her a $1,000,000 giftcard. Let me explain: ten dollars at the Dollar Tree will get you approximately as much as $1,000,000 would get you at, say, Kohls, because, let me reiterate this, everything is a fucking dollar. Except for the gift card. That was ten.

At any rate, all of this is irrelevant to the weirdness of my morning. The second weird thing did, however, occur at this palace of savings. I forgot my chapstick in Boston, which I still need because I have the kind of luck where I finish accutane just before I actually need to start using chapstick to guard my sensitive lips from the biting cold of fall, my least favorite season. So I grabbed a two pack of stick (which unsurprisingly cost just a dollar), and brought it to the register. The cashier rang me up and then threw on his alliterative hat, broke into song and dance, and uttered the oddest combination of words I have ever heard: “Do you want me to bag your balm?” No sentence has ever made me as instantly uncomfortable as that. That’s weird thing #2 – not my discomfort, but the words “Bag your balm.”

I ran home, coddled my dog, stole some food from my parents house, said hi to my Dad, and was off to the DJ job.

When I arrived at the VFW, the parking lot was empty, normal because I was a few minutes early. I started unloading my equipment as a friendly looking old couple approached.

“Hey there!” I happily greeted them.
“Hello.”
“Are you guys here for the engagement party?”
“Engagement party…? Who’s getting engaged?”
“Uuh. Aimee something… So you’re not here for that?”
“No.”
“Oh. Is there another event what are you here for?”
“A funeral.”
“Oh Jesus.”
“Jesus is right.”

Weird thing #3.

The rest of the funeral procession then came barreling into the parking lot. I hustled to get my equipment back in my truck and get the blazer out of the way so as not to disturb them. I sat in my car for a bit, feeling as I always do at funerals: underdressed and out of place. Everyone was wearing full suites, and I was wearing jeans, a shirt, tie, and sweater. Once again: feeling as I always do at funerals. Turns out their fun-filled event was at the hall in the basement and the engagement party was up top. So naturally I spent the next ten minutes directing people into the funeral, because everyone kept trying to go upstairs.

Still no sign of the engaged couple.

I once again unloaded my equipment and moved it into the hall on the first floor. Scoping it out, I was trying to determine where I was supposed to set up my equipment. I went over to the kitchen and asked the cook and the server.

“Hey I’m the DJ for the engagement  party, do you know how they want me to setup my equipment?”
“Mike – do you know how they want him to setup for the party tonight?”

Mike comes over (that might have been his name… what ever).

“The engagement party or – “
“The engagement party.”
“Yeah that’s this morning.”
“Right. At 11:30.”
“Yeah that’s been cancelled.”
“What?”
“Yeah they called late last night. They had to rush her to the hospital, something about blood clots in her lungs”
“Jesus.”
“Yeah. Do you know hold she was?”
“Was?! Did she die?”
“Oh I dunno, probably not.”
“Oh. No I don’t know how old she was… well… thanks.”

Weird thing #4.

Oh also, on the way back to my parents house I saw a three-car rear-ender and another funeral procession. What the hell?

So what do I take from this? There is a God, and he wanted me to have a weird morning so I would start blogging again because he really, really misses my blogging. Also, there is a heaven, and it is the Dollar Tree.

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